Don’t like gay marriage? Don’t get one.
Don’t like abortions? Don’t get one.
Don’t like drugs? Don’t do them.
Don’t like sex? Don’t have it.
Don’t like your rights taken away? Don’t take away anybody elses.
Posts Tagged ‘humour’
I’m bio-degradable
26
Apr
“I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
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I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.
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The brits are nuts
21
Aug
These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats !!*
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night..
And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off..
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats !!*
- My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
- He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore. Read the rest of this entry »
Eschew obfuscation
04
May
I possess a colossal aversion towards individuals who utilise unnecessarily elongated formal lexis since they appear supercilious whereas, in veracity, they are tremendously inferior to the archetypal populace.
Doctor Giani answers your health queries
22
Feb
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry.. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
‘If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
hyuk
29
Jan
Give a man fire, he will be warm for a night ; set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.