BrainDump v3.0

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
 The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
 When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
 And that’s how the fight started…..

 
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My wife walked into the den & asked “Whats on the tv?”
 I replied “Dust”.
 And that’s how the fight started…..

 
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 A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
 She is not happy with what she sees and says to her
husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
 The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
 And that’s how the fight started…..
 
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 My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny
that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
 I bought her a scale.
 And that’s how the fight started…..
 
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 I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’
 It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet  appreciation.
 ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.
 So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
 And that’s when the fight started….

 
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 My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you
want to have sex?’
 ’No,’ she answered.
 I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
 She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’
 So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’
 And that’s when the fight started….

 
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 I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
 Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.
 And that’s when the fight started…..

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 I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
 ’I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
 He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
 ’Nah, she can order for herself.’
 And that’s when the fight started…..

Read this, loved it

Stopped off and went for a wonder. Got lost.

Came to this pub and thought I’d ask for directions. As soon as I walked to the bar the barman said “What can I get you?”

I thought, this is very welcoming and said “I’ll have a pint of lager please.”

“£2″ the barman requested.

“I thought you were buying me a drink.” said I, “I was only going to ask for directions, I’ve got no money with me.”

“Well since I’ve poured it, you can have this one and after that I never want to see you in here again.” Said the rather angry barman.

Two days later I wondered off and found the same pub. I entered and the barman said “You’re not allowed in here anymore.”

“I’ve never been here before mate,” I lied.

“You must have a double then.” said the barman.

I replied, “Oh in that case, I’ll have a double whiskey.